Making PHP applications fast at scale is hard! As the saying goes, "Make it work, make it right, make it fast". Having worked with PHP and SQL at scale in the range of billions of data sets, I'll share some tips and tricks that I have learned that you can take and try out to tackle making an application scale to size. Learn about various strategies and patterns that may or may not be intuitive, including database denormalization, chunking, caching, workers, optimizing SQL statements, and indexes. Jump into some statistics of PHP function benchmarking to see what scales and what does not for a little trivia game of "Will It Scale?".